Stop the guilt cycle : a conversation with my dad
Background :I was born and raised in a middle-class Indian family of 5 in Kolkata. My parents are folks of the post independence India, a time when mere survival and sustenance was considered an achievement. My father is an entrepreneur. While he ensured that his daughters received post graduate technical education, a very progressive idea against social norms of that time, he is a conservative & conventional person in business and life. Not in sync with the idea of an “iconolastic entrepreneur” we have today, he wanted me to take on a regular job. As being an entrepreneur was risky and stressful. This brought some interesting push and pull dynamics between us . This post is about one such incident and my learning from the same . I wrote this prologue to set the context.
My dad has always had a funny relationships with gifts. Every time any of his kids brings a gift, he gets really angry. Aesthetic gifts are a complete no go. They are shunned as non-priority, non-essential and a waste of money. We, the siblings, now only gift highly functional things to our aging parents. He might end up using the gift but he does make it obvious that it is forced. This post is not to psychoanalyse his relationship with gifts but a funny conversation which ensued one fine day.
I confronted my dad with this question “Why do you get so upset when I bring you a gift? They are not random show pieces, I get you highly functional things which can make your life better”
My dad was visibly upset again, but after a deep breath he chose to lay it out for me. He said “ You live abroad and when you visit you bring me an expensive phone. You put your effort to earn the money, choose the gift, procure it, pack it and bring it to me. You want to see the delight on my face and pride in my eyes as your reward.”
He continued “My reality is I had gotten used to my phone after a year, I know my speed dials, how to use my camera, how to store files from Whatsapp. What you are doing is changing all of it for a better phone. I dont want this change. More so, you want me to use the phone immediately, articulate how its so much better and thank you for all”
The thing which he didn't say, but I understood later was that the phone represented my guilt more than my care. If I cared, I would have asked him what he wants? As he would often deny he needs anything, I could have further explored how he wants his life to be better? A better phone would unlikely be the answer. This phone was me deciding what’s better for him and refusing him the status of being an adult. More so, a phone was an easy way to take credit for bringing life improving invention of someone else into my Dad’s life. Had he accepted it whole heartedly I would have called him multiple times to check how he was liking it, what did he do with it. I would essentially extract confirmation of my contribution to his life. The real care is the listening, which is hard. Even harder is to not act, not take credit but to empower and watch someone flourish.
Back to the conversation, he continued “ Why don’t you try another thing. Next time you want to buy me a phone for $800, put it in the bank account and send me a screenshot.” That’s typical of my dad, encouraging savings over spending. “ The year after, when you again feel the urge to buy me a phone, put another $800 in the bank and send me a screenshot. This time it will be $1600”. He continued “ The third year , you put $800, there will $2400 in the bank. On that day, I will go and buy for myself a $300 new phone”
This was brilliant. He explained “ The fact that you have $2400 in the bank, means a number of things. One, you did not need the money in over 2 years, so this money is indeed disposable. This means you are doing well in your life with your own incomes and expenses. This means I can be rest assured that I dont need to worry about you. Hence, I have only myself to take care of with my money. Then, I will spend my money on things I want for myself. I would buy a phone for $300, which I think can serve me well for next 3 years”
This was amazing. What I heard was he wanted freedom from being responsible for me. He wanted a different connection, a connection of care but a permission to finally focus on his life, and live his life by himself. He wanted me to have $2400 which would permit him to spend his own $300 on himself. He wanted to feel this permission to now be only responsible for himself.
And that is what I decided. I decided to treat my dad like an adult. He has brought up 3 kids, he has taken us to doctors, hospitals. He has taught us to go to the gym, eat right, take care of ourselves. So, he knows how to survive. He fed a family, gave them the sky to fly. He knows how to nurture. Its time to take the burden of responsibility away. This cannot be done by talking. It can only be done by taking ultimate responsibility of my life.
I decided to empower him. Like he said, I put the money in the bank. I let it be there even if he didn't use it. Its his empowerment, not the amount but that I dont need it. Its safety for him, that if his plans don’t work out that pool exists as a fall back. Its just a number in the bank, no one is using yet. Even more importantly, it serves the purpose of freedom of two people who deeply care about each other, but want to be responsible for themselves.
Addendum: This last statement is not explicit. My dad would even deny if I spell it out that he wants to be responsible just for himself. Thats considered selfish by the society. So, being vulnerable to kids is not something that parents do in Indian society. That’s something that I ‘heard’ and it shaped my decision.
Image Credit : https://pixabay.com/users/kumarfotographer-9568780/
